Would I Survive? Probably Not

By Evanie Adame

Now, assuming I very easily dodge the shove Dayanara inevitably performs to sacrifice my life for hers, I still genuinely don’t think I would survive long in a Zombie Apocalypse. Yet, for this scenario, I merely need to survive longer than Daya (which anyone who’s taken a PE class with her may know is not much of a feat) yet that’s not to discount her intelligence. However, how being able to solve for x is somehow more vital than being able to bludgeon a zombie head remains to be seen.
Admittedly I don’t do well when faced with confrontation. My “Fight or Flight” is more of a “Freeze.” My mantra for dealing with things is: maybe if I ignore my problems long enough they’ll go away. A recent[ish] dilemma illustrates this nicely. A couple of weeks ago I came home to what I thought was an empty house. I barely took two steps before I heard loud rustling coming from down the hall. I cautiously peeked my head around the corner before hearing more noises and quickly retreating. Surprisingly, I wasn’t as freaked out as I thought I should be. The panic felt muted and distant. Though I guess it was more of an “I can’t believe this is actually happening” moment instead of “I can handle this like a sane rational person in a Not Really attempted burglary.” It took an embarrassingly long minute for me to start weighing the pros and cons of speed over stealth as I ran for the door. Fortunately, before I could put my half-baked plan into action and realize that even once out the door it would have taken me another anxiety-riddled minute to figure out who to call, my brother laughed. Worst part is I don’t think he even knew how close he was to becoming an only child as I died from indecision.
However, I digress and opt to move forward wholly disregarding this fact.
As of now, I will be using my Supernatural hyper-fixation during middle school as a source as to why strength is usually favored a little bit more than brains when it comes to split second decisions about zombie protection. Especially in this scenario when the outbreak is incredibly recent and sudden. My father, an avid zombie movie enjoyer, has lent his wisdom as well.
In the long run, yes brains over brawn is incredibly important. You need to be able to survive, to know what’s safe or can get you killed. I will also admit Daya is an expert gaslighter (please take this fact into consideration as you read her attempts to sway you to her side) and I fully believe she could probably scrounge up a small team to cover literally everything needed for survival. But in a sudden and violent uprising? Students will panic, crowds will surge, and society will demonstrate the failings of humanity as people fend for themselves and sacrifice their very dear and close friend to the zombies. In this moment athletic ability will ultimately triumph. Yes, it’s smart to be able to calculate the safest route for survival, which classroom is close and non-infested, what weapons can be found right now, but how is any of that useful if you can’t fight your way out of the panic? If you’re so close to the door but get knocked down and can’t get up among the stampeding feet? If you’re wearing 4-inch platforms and a dress that offers little to no mobility and quite only guarantees a trip (literally) into a zombie’s waiting hands? Now, I’m not saying I’m so athletically inclined myself. Just enough to outrun a certain someone for an extended period of time. How’s that saying go? You don’t need to be fast, just faster than the guy next to you?
So yeah.
Would I necessarily survive? God no. Most of my apocalypse survival plans revolve around Costco (which quite frankly is not a good plan as people think. I’ve thought about and analyzed it a lot). Most likely we would both die as meaningless minorities to move the plot along and provide emotional distress.
I suggest you start thinking about ways to possibly survive a zombie apocalypse. It’s honestly fun. Or it just brings up existential dread and anxiety. Either way, it passes the time.

Who Would Survive Longer in the Zombie Apocalypse? Would I Survive? Absolutely

By Dayanara Yepez Ramirez

If the zombie apocalypse were to start tomorrow, Evanie would definitely die before me.
Now, even though you most likely already agree, let me set the scene: the weather is lightly sunny, lunch is just about to end, and suddenly you hear screaming in the distance. Naturally, you assume that it’s just another fight. However, the screams gradually get louder, and you realize no one gets that excited over teenage boys trying to pull each other’s pants further down. Finally, you realize what has happened. The Walking Dead has come to you. With that comes death and all that boring “I won’t leave you” shenanigans, but what truly matters is that Evanie dies.
First, one must consider the start of it all. Evanie and I are near each other practically every second of the day. You’d think that would build care, attachment, and love; however, the first thing I’m doing is pushing Evanie towards the zombies and running away. Evanie will most likely make some argument relating to my inconvenient four inch platforms, but my shoes won’t stop me from latching onto her. Along with this, I have run in those shoes before. So, either she’s dying or we both are, there is no escape.
Assuming that I don’t push Evanie towards the zombies, which is extremely unlikely, there is a multitude of other reasons as to why she would die first. I would like to bring into evidence Evanie’s problem with…everything. Specifically food and noises in this instance. The sound of two fingernails rubbing against each other causes her an immense amount of pain, so how can one be certain she won’t just die out of fear by hearing the zombies’ groans? As for the food thing, Evanie’s diet is restricted to a grand total of about 15 items. If we were ever in a dire situation with food she’d die right away.
Somehow if both me and just those factors aren’t able to take Evanie out, let’s consider athletic ability. I am almost certain Evanie will mention my lack of it. However, it’s not as if Evanie is some herculean figure, so what difference does it really make? We are both relatively weak so all that’s really left is our intelligence and nefarious ability. Why nefarious ability you may ask? First, every apocalyptic storyline needs a villain, so at least I’ll live a bit to add action and suspense. Secondly, since it truly is “every man for himself”, you can’t expect to help every breathing orgasm and not get taken advantage of. Therefore, do not get backstabbed, you do the stabbing first. Luckily for me, I’m objectively a worse person than Evanie, so I will be surviving.
There are two last points I would like to present to our court of peers today. Firstly, I tend to have very good luck. For someone who doesn’t believe in God, he does seem to be on my side the majority of the time. Secondly, I have watched a whole lot of survival and zombie shows, I know how these things work. Let those two facts sink in as they will.
Ultimately, Evanie dies. That is the happy reality of it all. No matter what sort of delusional ideas she tries to put into your brain, do not doubt my words. Evanie is most certainly lying to you. If we’re being entirely realistic, I’d probably discover immortality and never die.