I spend hours upon hours trying to perfect the routine of my life, so hopefully I will gain a sense of relief from it. Yet the result is never the feeling that I so desperately crave. Peace, freedom from disturbance. A feeling that I view as a luxury, which I am not able to afford, for my mind has chosen otherwise.
No matter the situation I am in, my mind is always full of thoughts. However, it is not a result of overthinking, but rather a constant reminder of things I have to do that inhibit my mind like a plague. The issue lies not within my responsibilities, but instead in how I allow it to be placed into my headspace. When I truly think about it, I don’t think there has ever been a moment where I was truly at peace with my mind. Acknowledging this doesn’t seem to help my case either as it simply leads to more confusion. To me, this thought feels like a road that has no destination. So why does it continue to live inside my thoughts, and is it even reasonable to ponder even if I have no answers yet?
Then yet again, with all of the thoughts that my mind holds, isn’t there a certain amount where it is rational? I seek the answer to the question in other people as I find myself reflecting on the way I manage my life and the way another person does.
When I see a person who appears to have their life together, I feel a sort of envy for what they have. I like to believe that it is not in a toxic nature, but rather in a way in which they hold something that I also wish to have. Whether or not they are actually at peace, that fragment of their life that I saw is something I would enjoy even for a day.
Though I feel such emotions, this is not to say that I have the most difficult life ever or anything of the sort. To be honest, it’s manageable and I have found a way to live through life in a way that is still enjoyable even if peace doesn’t play a part. So if this is the case, why is this still a struggle even after everything I have discovered throughout life?
It simply doesn’t make sense. Right when I thought I had avoided it, overthinking began. “Why can’t I be at peace?” This question always exists in the back of my mind, regardless of what is infiltrating my mind at any moment.
As you read this, the problem becomes evident. I have created this problem for myself and have embedded it into my life routine instead of overcoming it. And while I am well aware of this fact, it still somehow finds a way into my life for the reason that I have yet to discover.
The world isn’t created specifically to adhere to the goals that you yearn for. It is up to you to create a lifestyle that helps you bring that into existence. The possibility is there, and while it may be unfortunate, patience is not the only factor that will bring it to me.
I know I have the ability to teach my mind into habits that allow peace for myself, but it hasn’t been taken into action. The issue lies here and I know that so very well as obvious as it is.
Yet strangely, I’ve kept everything the same in my routine.