Sometimes I Cry

A Dissociation With Being Human


Dayanara Yepez Ramirez, Reporter

Within me there exists a wretched sense of disembodiment. Rather than approaching life as a substantial thing, I see it as more of a game. While obviously I am human, the person that I am is more of a fabrication, or in this specific context, a character.
Every decision I make is carefully thought out to make sure it reflects the persona I want to build. From the clothes I wear to the hobbies I pursue. The colors of my outfits are chosen based on the nuances that people connect them to, and the hobbies on the societal consensus. If I like something, but it contradicts the personality I’m creating, then I am not allowed to do it. While the prospect of the hobby is appealing, the entire concept becomes vile when I consider how it would affect the image I’m trying to create. Even then, the word “like” is insufficient to describe the emotion since I don’t really “like” anything. The simple connotation is provided to any task I excel in, hypothetically meaning that if I was good at everything, I would like everything. That of which essentially makes the word lose its meaning. Since after all, in a game, who wouldn’t like a character who was remarkable at it all?
The personality I possess is also a mere invention. Many of my supposed personality traits are just things I’ve picked up after finding it appealing in other people. In reality, I am indifferent to a majority of things, though I’ll react vividly according to what I’ve programmed myself to do. More so than just actions, I experience a disconnect with people.
Not only do I see myself as a character, but other people as well. I’ll find myself thoroughly analyzing their persona, but for the most part unable to properly empathize or care for anyone. Viewing life as a game creates a desperation for success, and with that I’ve come to see people as both competition and tools to help me succeed. Even with positive emotions towards someone, I find that I am incapable of missing anybody. When I think about their presence, I find that I am for the most part apathetic. While them being there might keep me more entertained for a while, it doesn’t really affect me in the long run.
Overall I’ve developed myself to become a character, more specifically a video game character of sorts. In a video game context, it exists to be desirable, it is the character you want to add to your collection, the one you know will help you succeed. In a real life context, it exists to be envied, it is the person you want to be like. The goal is to heighten your “stats” as much as possible, be the best at whatever you can. Since after all, that is the only way your character will hold value.
However, with me being an actual human, the system is flawed. As I’ve already stated, it creates a disillusionment with other people, seeing them as only valuable through the characters they present themselves as. More than that, there are traits that I am unable to change in my character due to the miniscule amount of control I have over human existence. I also recognize that it’s not the type of authenticity that society craves, with how constantly people preach about being yourself and how the world will accept you.
Truthfully, the world owes you nothing. It will not grow to like you. You have to work for the sentiment.
Even then, with the slim chance that I did decide to return to authenticity, I don’t know if there exists a real self to turn back to.