Ask Klarissa

Klarissa, Reporter

Hello guys!!!! I’ve heard that some of my loyal fans have been limping around trying to uncover my true identity. I have to say I am flattered, but my identity can only be revealed when the time is right. I will say, though, if you read other articles in the Clarion, you’ll find that I leave several clues behind for any Sherlock Holmes spirited fans. 

I also received the questions you guys have been dying to ask. Ask and you shall receive.




  1. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?
    I am not a very big ice cream fan. But, Cookies-and-Cream is always my go to. 
  2. Your most controversial opinion?
    I believe my opinions are not controversial, just too advanced for the general public. I’m just kidding… or am I? Anyways, it would definitely be missionary trips being rooted in bigotry and racism, regardless of well-meaning intentions. 
  3. Your Biggest fear?
    A snake slithering out from the bottom of the toilet while I am on it. 
  4. How do I pass math with an A+?
    Fake it til you make it baby. If you convince yourself you’re good at math for a certain amount of time, it’s bound to come true. 
  5. What’s something that makes you really angry?
    Humanity’s failure to recognize that the world would, quite literally, be a utopia if religions and races were not so dead set on being better than others. Racism, sexism, colorism, bigotry: these are all corrupted ideals that no one should harbor, yet a plethora of people in this world do. I do not understand why. Why can we not all just mind our own business? If we did, genocide, religious wars, slavery would have never happened. I do not and will not ever understand humanity’s obsession with establishing dominance over others. I could talk for years about how it angers me. 
  6. Favorite book of all time?
    Hands down The Cellar by Natasha Preston. I have reread it more times than I can count. 
  7. If you had a fish, what would you name it?
    I’ve had fish before, but they just never make it past the fourth day. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. But, if I were to get fish again, I would definitely name them all Goldielocks. I’m not sure why. It just seems hilarious and ironic at the same time. 
  8. Do I dye my hair pink or purple after my breakup?
    I dyed my hair purple after mine, so I say purple so we can match. 
  9. Where do you see yourself in four years?
    Happy. I used to have these intricate plans for my future where I imagined every single step I would take to be successful in life. But, as I get closer to approaching my adult years, I’ve realized my goal in life should be to be happy, not successful. Although, I wouldn’t hate it if I get lucky enough to have both. 
  10. If you could hire someone to help you, would it be with homework or cleaning?
    This is such an intricate question to ask. Ummm… maybe cleaning because I can manage to do all my homework, but I could not tell you the last time I cleaned. I’ve just started embracing the mess at this point. 
  11.  Is Drake overrated?
    Hello Rishim. Thank you for such an intellectual question. Don’t hate me, but yes. Yes, I think Certified Lover Boy is overrated and quite frankly, a weird concept for such a grown artist. 
  12. Donda or Certified Lover Boy?
    Since we were just on the topic, you guys know I’m not a big Drake fan, but as I have been a Swiftie since age eight, I will never call myself a Kanye West fan. So, I have to go with Drake and his Certified Lover Boy here. 


Well, that’s all the questions for this issue of Ask Klarissa. Thank you to those that asked questions. As you all know, I’m not very kind as I do have a black heart, but it warms my heart that you guys enjoy my humor. See you all again in January!