I mean, the title says it all. I have always been one who didn’t know what I wanted to do in life. This is especially true in high school, when I learned so much more than I did in middle school or elementary school. I remember when we had those, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” questions in elementary. I was set on being a Real estate agent. Then came middle school, and I always avoided that question because the truth is I didn’t know what I wanted to do, because now I was between a real estate agent and a lawyer. Then I thought I finally knew what I wanted to do, which was to major in law, and I was set on that for a good while, I won’t lie. When I made that “public,” I felt the pressure to achieve that because in my family they were always telling each other, “Oh, he is going to be a lawyer.” Then, not too long ago, I wanted to major in psychology and hoped that it would help with becoming a lawyer. I then realized that I didn’t want to do that until I finally landed my spot, where I want to major in music. For a second, I was so stressed because I remembered my family always saying I would do law, and now that I switched it, it made me feel a bit guilty. But I knew music is what I would love doing. I remember being told that it was something I wanted, but I just couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud, and I am glad that I came to that conclusion.
My major wasn’t just the biggest unsure thing about me. It also related to where I wanted to go for college. I remember in elementary and middle school, telling myself that I wanted to attend college at one of those big Ivy League colleges. It wasn’t until recently that I decided to start at Fresno City. That made me wonder if it was a good thing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not something I regret; it just makes me wonder if that was a good first step. I remember just sitting there and thinking if I would accept my admission to Fullerton, Sacramento, Long Beach, Arizona, or Fresno State. Once I set my schedule for FCC, I knew I made the right decision. and I tried ignoring those other thoughts. I was just very unsure the whole time, which led me to do all these college things so late because I didn’t know, but after a while, I came to the decision, which would be best for me right now.
There has always been that immense pressure on myself, which was hoisted on by myself and will continue to be. Since elementary school, I would do my work every day and make sure that I had A’s, nothing less. A B made me cry, as well as seeing red marks on my paper. I remember even when I was sick, I would still come to school. I was scared of missing anything, which would cause me to fall behind. The same was for middle school, I would come every day, and if I was gone, I remember being so sorry that I was gone and would try everything to make sure I did the work and maintained my grades. Then, in high school, especially sophomore year, I remember taking my first AP class because that was when the mindset of being part of the “Top 25” was my motivation. So, when I got a bad grade on a test, and my grade went down to a D, I remember just thinking that my chances of that were over, and I cried leaving that classroom. The same happened with junior year, and I did the same; I was devastated. I was just so motivated for that big thing I wanted to reach, and those grades made me so unsure of everything I did. If I were to even bother doing AP classes, I would just fail and bring myself down. I compared myself to those who take so many AP classes, where their schedules are all AP, and just knowing I would let myself down, and if I really wanted to do that. I pondered everything.
I obviously am one who is unsure of so much, and that was just a few of the million times I was unsure of. It’s not something that just disappears; you will always have those second thoughts if you made the right decision, to just sit there for hours and think of all those outcomes if you took that direction. If you join this class, will it be worth it? Will I regret it? That’s the truth, you will never not be unsure of everything; something will always have you thinking, mainly because you know you can always achieve more. It’s just about taking that risk and believing in yourself.
So, that leaves the question, is it a crime to be unsure? Who knows. Personally, I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’s okay to be unsure, but if I can give any advice, it would be that you should start building towards what you think you want to do rather than doing all of it at the last minute. Also, explore early so you can figure that out sooner than I did. I literally came to my senses this year. So, don’t be stressed that you don’t have everything figured out; it’s okay as long as you enjoy what you are doing, and no matter what, just know there will always be a small part of you that will second-guess everything you do. Trust yourself in what you do, and all will fall into place.
