WELL? Was it a surprise!? I hope so! I kept having people come up to me and ask “are you Klarissa?” and I would kind of pull off 10/10 acting, saying “nah, no way they would let ME do that.” Aaaaaaaand here we are.
But HOW DID SO MANY SUSPECT ME? Really? Was I THAT obvious, because I thought my usual writing would throw people off… Then again, who really reads Michael E. Casarez’s articles, right?
I’m very proud to have the right to claim that I was the FIRST MALE “KLARISSA” IN THE HISTORY OF THE CLARION. I know! I know! Don’t worry guys, I’ll be able to give you all an autograph later! (It’ll cost some Bear Bucks though.)
Your questions were HILARIOUS and were so fun to read – especially the occasional inappropriate ones. You know who you are, I won’t name drop you though 
don’t worry.
This column gave me an amazing opportunity to anonymously (so much for that) talk about things I love, and it was honestly pretty funny watching and hearing you all struggle to find out who it was. YOSSRA, you always nearly gave me a heart attack when you would talk about looking through our Google docs to prove that we weren’t Klarissa, so it’s a good thing you never got to me. Though I think I wasn’t too good in the beginning at disguising myself, I think I got more comfortable with it and became more convincing.
The most recent issue (other than this one, you silly) distracted some people well enough to remove a lot of the suspicion from me. (THANK YOU TO THOSE WHO ASKED ABOUT SANRIO AND HAIRSTYLES, YOU QUITE LITERALLY SAVED ME.) I actually would prepare myself for the questions y’all (thanks Yari for that term) would ask in class too, but it was scary having to respond to Brayden, since, well, he’s Brayden. That should be explanation enough.
My strategy was honestly to mimic Yari’s writing style, but Kim’s giggling whenever Klarissa was mentioned during discussion and Jasleen’s turning toward Yossra when asked “hey, Klarissa!” seemed to do much of the work. I know some people (Brayden) also talked about it potentially being Monica or Taneisha, and I can actually see that.
I was not the planned original Klarissa for this year, but I was offered the position early into the first semester once the certain individual had switched out of the class. I’m honored to have been afforded the opportunity to connect with other students (anonymously – until now) through this medium, but I’m just some guy in the newspaper. I’m no therapist or life advisor, so just do what you feel is right. Those responses about relationships should also be noted as coming from a guy who has never been in a relationship, so… yeah! Those were based entirely on “social observation” (as the kids say in AP Psychology) of couples on campus. Before signing off, I have a few outstanding questions I’d like to answer:
Why did you diss Lebron like that?
Um, hello? The guy is just that diss-able, I don’t know. (Also, I kind of did it just for spite, since Gurbir is a big fan of his.) REGARDLESS, I like the “old-school” basketball stars (even though I don’t really watch any of it) like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. (SPEAKING OF HIM, HE’S AN ALUMNUS OF UCLA, WHERE I’LL BE GOING. GOOOOOO BRUINS. #BruinBound! *Sorry you had to see that, Mr. Castle.*)
Who is your K-pop uh?
I won’t lie, I had no idea what the “uh” was for, and had to look it up, and I don’t listen to too much K-pop. You really shouldn’t be asking ME this, you should have asked Daya (Dayanara Yepez Ramirez, Social Security Number: ∫f(x)g(x)dx), last year’s “Klarissa,” who got my family hooked on the stuff. If I had to say one, though, I’d say “Bewave.” They’re niche, and most have probably not heard of them. The reason I mention them is because they were on my “fyp” (which apparently means “for-you-page,” so my sources claim) after having endured the bands Daya texted me. I sent her a song of theirs out of spite, contrasting her musical taste and serving as an inside joke, and they became my method of rebelling against her. And I KNOW for a FACT she is reading this right now because she sent me a screenshot of one of the first issues from the website and basically said “I know it’s you.” So, sorry Daya.
Who is your favorite Clarion senior from last year?
SORRY EVERYONE ELSE, but Karissa offered to buy me Panda (Express)© on a weekly basis for going to her college, so I think she’s a clear winner. (Also, you better appreciate the shoutout, Karissa.) (ALSO also, that should be “was,” not “is.”)
That’s all of the questions for this FINAL ISSUE OF THE CLARION, 2024-2025!!!! I better finish this lengthy article up, or Kim will get mad at me again. I’ve had an ABSOLUTELY AMAZING time responding to these inquiries this school year, and, to whoever next year’s Klarissa is… just know, you’ll never be as good as me. (DESPITE the haters saying I’m “not funny.”)
Also! Good luck on your final exams everyone! Be comforted by the fact I can’t remember my past scores! (I think that’s a good thing, too.) To the seniors reading this: try to have fun, wherever you go. A little humor goes a long way, and my senior year wouldn’t have been so memorable if it weren’t for the “Ask Klarissa” column, which let me have a funny outlet, an escape from school’s banalities (really sorry about that, but I had to up my vocabulary for the AP English Literature and Composition studies exam). Try to see some comedy in everything, and – TRUST ME ON THIS – your life will at least seem more positive, and you can learn to laugh at all the struggles we are sure to experience.
Best regards,
Klarissa
