I don’t think I’ll love school the same way I did all those years ago. I think college is bound to be the same dead-end cycle of misery and anxiety. I don’t feel much hope for my future, I can’t see much of anything for myself. How can I? I’ve never been a very ambitious person. At least, not any more. I have no real goals to work toward other than trying to have a decent day. I’m probably wrong though, I’m usually wrong (I’m hoping I’m wrong). Maybe, just maybe, I’ll finally feel like I have a life to look forward to. Picking a college that I was genuinely excited about probably would have been a big step towards that huh? (I always loved those videos of parents getting excited when their kid was accepted into their dream school, just another box unchecked for a multitude of reasons. I’m learning this is a universal experience.) I’ll probably regret not choosing UC Irvine for the rest of my life. But it’s fine. Everything is always just fine.
But enough being super depressy. It will all (super duper hopefully!!) work out in the end. So while I do believe in jinxing things, maybe writing down my hopes and dreams will manifest them instead. I will like college. I will learn to be happy with where I chose. I will find something that I’m really passionate about while pursuing an English degree that DOESN’T involve teaching (no hate to teachers, I just see what my mom goes through and no thank you.) I will publish a book someday. Lots of wills and wants.
To clarify, I don’t mean that I don’t look forward to things. It’s just smaller things. I look forward to seeing my friends nearly everyday. I look forward to their birthdays. I look forward to walking into Mr. Filikins’ room every morning and lunch, my most genuine and favorite memories are in that class. I look forward to reading classic literature in Mr. Machnik’s class. The Joy Luck Club will forever hold a special place in my heart. I look forward to the shenanigans that go on in Mr. Harshaw’s class. I’m genuinely remorseful that I joined his art class too late and won’t be able to experience more. I look forward to talking to Mrs. Manter because I miss her and AVID so much. I look forward to talking with Mr. Mitchell in a class I never thought I’d have the guts to take even as a junior. I look forward to Mr. Castle’s stories and jokes and writing stories for a class that feels like a safe space.
I also look forward to movie releases and concerts I know I’m never going to go to (one day Mitski, one day.) I look forward to new books and new shows (LEGO Monkie Kid please release season five already, give me something to get through AP testing.) I look forward to seeing my cousins at my grandparents’ house. I look forward to eagerly awaiting Amazon packages because I enjoy the thrill of waiting for it more than the actual object. Right now I’m looking forward to my signed Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “Portal!” Exclusive poster (with a little doodle from one of the creators, Andy Suriano) to arrive. So I guess my advice would be to look forward to the little things, the simpler things.
Maybe one day I’ll look back on this and cringe at my writing like I always do every couple months. But at least that tells me I’m somewhere.
