I’m convinced that I was born to humiliate myself. Coming out of the womb shamelessly to kill my own ego. At a young age I mastered the art of spilled drinks, and executed some of my most humiliating acts. Some, so demeaning I will never have the courage to write down. Others which have left an everlasting impression on my sanity.
Having an older sister around did not help my case either. I aimed to impress, and hung around her like an annoying lackey. It’s admirable that she never once excluded me, or made the attempt of selling me off. In all honesty, it would’ve been better if she had.
One afternoon in particular, as school ended, my sister and a group of her friends were walking around. I was tailing a step behind as we waited for our parents to come. In an attempt to pull my sister closer as she stood distantly, I gripped her backpack’s handle. To my dismay fate ruled a harsh sentence. The next thing I knew I was plummeting to the floor, pulling my sister, along with my pride.
I did not fall with any grace, landing unceremoniously on the cold unforgiving ground. Met with a bruise to my ego and a back ache. My sister fell on top of me a second later, backpack and all.
I think I must have blacked out or maybe it’s the embarrassment that doesn’t allow me to remember how long I laid unmoving on the ground. All I recall now is that I was mortified, as the group grew silent, and I felt their eyes on me.
I remember the loud laughter that boomed afterward. Oh how shameful and torturous the sound is when you find yourself as the cause. Heat rushed to my face, due to the deepest feeling of embarrassment and shame. I felt like a total moron.
Even so, I tried to play it off, and laughed along. All the while I dreamt of being buried deep down with the fossils of dinosaurs who existed before humans were able to trip on limbs.
To have fallen on my own would have been one thing, pulling my sister to lay down to my level however, was different. Doing so in front of her (then) crush too… all be doomed. I saw it in her face, the most disappointed look I’ve ever come across. Eyes that gleamed with hatred that rivaled the most deadly intensity. The air stiffened with animosity, as she wanted nothing more than for my metaphorical demise. It’s likely she regretted ever saving my life back when I was four and drowning. It’s only by pity that I’m still here, regretfully so.
This incident comes to me often, keeping me awake at night, and haunting me in sleep also. I live with only the smallest reassurance that at least, I was not the one to have thrown out my lunch waste in a pool full of several other children. For young age makes for even crueler judges. My heart aches for that kid, every time the memory of the horrified scream makes its way to my mind, as another had the unfortunate luck of setting eyes on their waste that came from their bottom. Honestly, even then, it only brings me little comfort. If I remember such an instance, who’s to say that mine are lost to my nightmares alone?
I can only hope that my memory worsens. Only then, would the embarrassment completely rid itself and no longer be an accomplice to my agony.
