When I was a freshman I wanted to be a writer. However, by the end of that year, I never wanted to write a paper ever again. When I was a sophomore I couldn’t wait to be a senior, but by the time I was a junior, I wished that I could be a sophomore once more. Now as a senior, I’m left with unfulfilled expectations, anxiety, and an uncertain future. Even as I experience all the things I thought I wanted, being a senior is nothing like I imagined.
I’m not sad high school will end come June, but I mourn that it was never what I romanticized it to be. In reality, a lot of football games were boring and lessons were confusing. I cried over homework, earned wages, turned pages, began new chapters, and abandoned them halfway through. I followed bad examples and ugly fashion trends. I made so many friends I’ve had to say goodbye to. Nonetheless, I am immensely grateful for all of it. From the scorching summers spent on the swim and polo teams to the countless all-nighters I pulled to write essays. Some days, I had questionable school food for lunch, and on other days, I sacrificed that break to study for a fifth-period test. It’s strange to recognize now that the long hours I spend at school feel like they’ll never end, but will soon be just a small part of the life I have ahead of me.
Another small part of my life was when the class of 2024, unfortunately, lost their freshman year to a worldwide pandemic. Isolation, however, gave me the rare experience of only seeing and talking to the people I wanted to. I never felt robbed of any social opportunities either because everything I needed was within reach. I bonded with my family, visited friends close by, and even participated in sports while doing online classes. When I went back to school, I was overwhelmed and my anxiety worsened. I remember having the crazy thought that everyone was looking at me and judging my every move.
As I’ve gotten older, my anxiety has manifested into other fears. For example, I sometimes worry the best years of my life are passing by and I’m not enjoying them. I am hyper-aware that many people consider high school to be the best years of their lives and that I should cherish my youth because it won’t last forever, but each weekend I test how much longer I can stay home until I’ve wasted my golden years. I feel pressure to have already become the perfect student I am striving to be, and I wonder how much longer I have to make dumb mistakes and chalk them up to youthful indiscretions. Senior year has been a constant battle between these differing ideas of mine. Should I go out and make memories I have no desire to experience just because I’m scared I’ll be full of regret in my old age? Should I be worried that I can’t be a teenage girl for the rest of my life?
So for me, being a senior means some days the only things I look forward to are Scooby snacks in the morning and the last bell in the afternoon. Being a senior means struggling to grasp the rate at which I’m growing and balancing my hatred of socialization and the guilt I feel for not participating enough. Being a senior entails craving the independence that college offers and being absolutely terrified of it at the same time. If I can’t handle the anxiety I experience in high school, how am I supposed to survive college? Despite these challenges, I am hopeful I’ll find answers and a place where I thrive and fit in. I know I have yet to experience the most fulfilling and joyful years of my life.
