Sometimes I Cry

School is a rather emotional thing for me. As school has always come to me fairly easily, the work was never too difficult to complete. What was difficult, though, was finding the motivation, the creativity, and the drive to finish these assignments. Because, as school wasn’t that intense of an issue for me, the workload and the expectation of always being perfect or receiving a “good” grade was. School is a mentally crushing experience for me, that I only perform well in because of the fear of disappointing myself and everyone around me. As teachers continue to expect the most out of us, they fail to notice the mental stress and emotional breaking point they bring us to. 

Last week, I was given two essays, three math assignments, a video project, and three stories to write. As of today, I am rushing to finish all nine assignments as they are all due today. This cycle of procrastination is not something I am proud of, but it’s something that works for me. I believe some of my best work is produced when I am under stress to meet a deadline. 

However, even as an accomplished procrastinator, I still get beyond stressed and upset with doing so much work in such a short amount of time. And even though it is my fault for pushing back the work for so long, it happens to the best of us. 

I really tried to be on top of my game this year. To try to procrastinate less. Try to not stress myself out too much. Not let my anxiety get in the way too much. But honestly, as much as I love zoom classes, I feel like my motivation is the lowest it has ever been. I lack focus. I lack work ethic. I lack effort. I have never been in such an unbalanced emotional state as I am now. I struggle to find the creativity to finish assignments, unless I am being threatened by the due date.

And something I wish I was told more is that it is okay. It is okay to feel unbalanced. To feel incomplete. To feel unmotivated. As students, we are constantly told to act and behave like adults because that’s where we’re heading. Because of this, we often feel like it’s only us, alone. It’s only you that feels stressed out by school work. It’s only you feeling emotionally detached because of school anxiety. 

But you have to remember, we are all in the same boat, together. 

We all feel stressed, unmotivated. We all procrastinate. And that is okay. We are only high school students. And I think that’s something we all need to remember. As much as this feels like there’s something wrong with us or that we are all alone, we have to realize that it is normal, and it is okay to feel unmotivated. That our feelings are valid. It is okay to not be okay. To feel pressured by school. 

And that is what this series is about. To see that we are all just trying to get through school. That we all feel stressed and unmotivated at times. 

That you are not alone. Welcome to: Sometimes I Cry.