Somehow, it’s senior year. Somehow, in a few months, I’ll be 18.
And compared to 17, 18 sounds important. Responsible. Independent. More “adult.” More confident.
Do I feel that way? Not at all. Five-year-old me in that picture looks more confident than I do now.
However, I don’t expect to have a sudden magical change into a pristine, confident near-adult just because I’ll graduate. It’ll take work, and a lot more living.
At five years old, I wanted to be as “big” as my fifth grader book buddies.
At 10, I saw the preteen and teen years as a completely different and “cool” world I wanted to be part of.
At 13, I anxiously climbed up the years in my mind, reaching for the supposed composure and confidence near adulthood would bring.
And every time, I discovered that each stage doesn’t bring as dramatic of a change as I thought it would. So now, seeing “18” just over the horizon, I am not as scared as I used to be.
Although every new discovery about people and life makes me realize how little I know about the world, I know I’ll be fine. Today, tomorrow, and well after June, there will be countless situations I will fear and not know how to handle. But that’s also how it’s been at five, 10, and 13 years old, and now, as a senior.
The tantrums, mistakes, frustrations, and even the embarrassing lockdown-amplified teen angst have all been experiences that I’ve learned from. All those experiences, at all stages, have served to make me grow, form a variety of new mindsets, and think from different perspectives.
The unknown of “growing” is not to be feared. After all, we can never know everything about the ever-changing world. I can’t even imagine being 80 and feeling like I have unlocked some complex secrets of humanity reserved for the gray-haired.
So, when I’m gray-haired, I wonder what I’ll think of this column. Of life. Or even when I’m a freshman in college, I wonder if I’ll read this and think “Bro, you have no idea.” I wonder what I have learned at those points in my life.
Considering that as I grow I’ll collect experiences like Pokemon, I hope I’ll learn from each and every one. I hope I find joy in both small and big experiences. I even hope I‘ll cry because of (some of) those experiences. I hope every New Year will truly add new perspectives to my mindset. Most of all, I hope life will make me change, as many times as necessary, into someone I’ll be proud of.